Trusting in the Lord

This past year did not play out exactly the way we thought it would.  Jeff graduated from PA school last August, and we were full of hope and excitement about what this meant for us.  Only one road block remained: Jeff needed to pass his PANCE exam in order to become a practicing PA.  We were sure that because we made it through graduation, this would be no big deal.  Test day came and went. A week later, we were notified that he failed.

That was really painful for both of us.  Jeff took the news especially hard.  He fell into depression.  For months, he was angry, lost, ashamed, disappointed.  He really had no desire to get back up and try again.  I did my best to try to talk to him, lift him up, encourage him.  I was not perfect at it because I couldn't understand exactly what he was going through.  I felt for a long time that I had lost my husband as I knew him.  He was too ashamed of himself to turn to me or listen to me for a while.  I knew that this happened to us for a reason, but he didn't.  I didn't understand it yet myself, but I knew that if Heavenly Father had wanted Jeff to pass, He would have made it possible.

The amazing thing about this time of our lives was that, despite these disappointments and strong uncertainties about the future, we really did not suffer much beyond that.  The Lord knew what our needs were.  Jeff was able to find work doing tile, and the opportunities seemed to come out of nowhere, as we didn't publicize what had happened.  As far as others knew, he was working as a PA.  Because Jeff wasn't working full time, he was able to be home more.  This was an incredible blessing after 7 years of school and never seeing him.  There were many other things that happened during this time that allowed us to know that the Lord was with us through it all.

After nearly 3 months of this emotional roller coaster, we were asked to give talks in Sacrament meeting.  The topic, thoughtfully chosen by our bishop, was "Gratitude in Adversity."  I agreed for us, and Jeff went along with it, but expressed his strong desire not to do it.  This ended up being our greatest blessing.  Jeff opened up in a way he never had, to the entire ward.  He shared feelings and thoughts I had no idea were even in his heart.  This experience was what ultimately opened the door for him to start healing and trying again.  There was such an outpouring of love, understanding, and gratitude for what he was willing to share.  It was the first time he felt loved and appreciated at church.  He made many new friends after this day who were a huge support to him in the following months.  It truly was a miracle.

Our journey continued.  Jeff studied many hours in the coming weeks and took his test again in February.  Despite many prayers and fasts, we both had strong feelings that he didn't pass.  And he didn't.  It was painful, of course.  But I was amazed at how quickly Jeff bounced back.  He got back up within a day and got back to work.  Our wonderful friends did so many kind things to support us and strengthen us.  We felt blessed, even though we were so disappointed.  Jeff and I both thought about and discussed what we could do if he didn't pass the third time.  After 2 negative outcomes,  and 2 lost jobs, it was hard to believe it would ever be different.

Jeff didn't give up.  The 3rd time around, he studied differently and more diligently.  We both made sacrifices as we felt prompted to do, to show the Lord what we were willing to do to make this happen.  One day, I suddenly realized just how much Jeff had changed.  For the first time I ever recall in our 12 years of marriage, he was praying daily, on his knees, on his own.  He was studying scriptures and conference talks daily.  Along with this, he was happy.  He was at peace.  He trusted the Lord.  He believed what he lived.  I remarked several times that there was a light around him that hadn't been there before.  We actually started having discussions about spiritual matters, something we hadn't done since we were engaged.  He was so involved in family activities and helped me so much around the house.  He was constantly looking for ways not only to serve us but to serve his siblings and parents.  We both clearly saw that this trial not only changed him for the better, but it saved him.  We both learned things we never would have learned had this "PASS" just been handed to us without the struggle.  We knew this is what the Lord wanted for us, as hard as it was to accept.

As attempt number 3 neared, neither one of us knew what to expect, but we felt strongly that this time would be "different."  We both decided that this would be "it," no matter the outcome.  We didn't know what else Jeff could do at this point to prepare himself.  Then a sign came!  An old coworker, a PA, called him randomly for a tile job.  While working this job, the friend encouraged him to apply to work on his floor.  It was the same floor Jeff had worked as a CNA.  It was the same job he had applied for months ago and never heard back on.  His friend kept pushing him to apply, so Jeff finally emailed the woman in charge and told her up front that he had not yet passed his test but would appreciate the opportunity to interview.  She agreed to meet with him.  During the interview, she told him a story about how the guy they originally hired had left abruptly.  Jeff kept coming to her mind, but she couldn't remember his name or find contact information.  The day she was looking for it, Jeff's PA friend stopped by her office with the intent of bringing Jeff to her attention, and she was so grateful because she hadn't known how to contact him.  She then told him that the interview was a formality, that they wanted him on their team, and he "better pass his test."  Wow!  This gave us hope!

Before each test session this time, Jeff's good friend gave him a priesthood blessing.  In each blessing, different pieces of the Lord's will was revealed to him.  He was even told that the Holy Ghost would make answers known to him.  He remembers one question in particular.  He read it and had no idea what the disease was.  He closed his eyes for a moment and remembered that phrase from his blessing.  He opened his eyes again, and one answer seemed "bigger" to him, so he chose it.  When he looked it up later, he found that it was right.

The following Thursday, our oldest daughter walked into the room and said "Mom I had a dream that dad got a letter that said he passed his test."  I thought, 'how nice.'  No one has ever had a dream like that about his test.  A few minutes later, Brook returned with Jeff's phone in hand, saying he had an email about his test.  We opened it with shaky hands, and to our JOY, he had passed!!!

My purpose in sharing this story is really about 2 things: Gratitude for the Lord and His love for us, for His hand in our lives; and how grateful I am to Jeff for not giving up and for embracing the Lord and the gospel in his heart and life.

I know we all have faced and will continue to face heartache and disappointment.  Unfortunately, it is part of life.  We will all have times when we want to quit, when we don't see why this is happening and how we can keep going.  But I know that the Lord needed both of us to learn how much we rely on and need Him in our lives.  He wanted us to learn and be able to appreciate that without the Lord, we have nothing.  He wanted us to draw closer to Him with our hearts and recognize His presence, power, and love.  We owe everything to Him.  It will NOT always be easy to trust in the Lord, especially when His plans do not match our plans.  But I do know that when He gives us trials, He doesn't just throw us in and abandon us.  He stays with us the entire way.  He carries us and leads us through.  Even when it is so hard, it hurts to pray and you don't know how, pray anyway.  That's where I had to start.  Step by step, day by day, He will lead us along, and His plan for us will be revealed.  I know this won't be our last trial in this life.  But I do know that the lessons we learned form this trial will be an anchor to which we will refer when we again feel lost  and scared.  I am grateful to the Lord for teaching us through this experience.  But I am also so grateful that He saw fit to bless us with success in the end.  For allowing us to feel the joy that comes at the end of a long, difficult journey.  I have no doubt that we would not have had this outcome without the Lord supporting us every single day and inspiring our small decisions every single day.  He truly does know what we need better than we do.  He wants us to grow and be better, and find ways to be more like his Son, so we can return worthily to live with Them again.

I am including a song that brought me much comfort over this past year.  Hillary Scott  "Still"

Life isn't easy

Faith is an interesting phenomenon isn't it?  Life is not easy. I appreciate the good days with all my heart. They provide hope and relief and joy. 

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, we all have hard days. Sometimes these turn into hard weeks, months, and even years. Despair and anxiety threaten to consume us. These feelings are not easy ones to combat. If we are not careful, they can consume us and become the window through which we see the world and our lives. 

I recently posted on Facebook the exciting news of Jeff receiving a job. If any of you are like me, you may see that post and think something like "They are so lucky. Everything is going right in their lives. He is finishing school and getting a job. Their troubles are over." 

I only wish this were true. Yes we have been on the school journey and are nearing the end. But for us, nothing about the last 2 1/2 years has been easy. There have been days when one or both of us were ready to quit. Stress, fear, and anxiety were common feelings in our house. Our finish line has never been a guarantee like it might be for some. But, despite the many challenges we have faced, we have been the recipients of countless blessings and miracles. 

I want to share these experiences for those who have ever felt like they are in this situation. Almost hopeless. Very unsure. Scared. Overwhelmed.

There were times when Jeff didn't have enough faith in himself or his situation. Those were the times Heavenly Father blessed me with the comfort to know that things would work out. As long as we did our part and exercised even a little bit of faith, we were blessed with miracles that we couldn't have anticipated. 

When Jeff left town, and I felt completely overwhelmed with work and motherhood, family and ward members showed up to offer help and relief. Every step of the way, Heavenly Father has strengthened us and brought us so much further than we ever could have come on our own. He did not take our challenges away. We had to face them. But I can see with absolute clarity that He carried us through them. 

This summer has been no exception. Both Jeff and I have battled depression, anxiety, and fear as we near the end of this journey. This was new to me: having to be strong for Jeff when we both felt weak. 

While at my parents last month, things really escalated. I wasn't always sure how to even pray, because the feelings were so overwhelming and distracting from the spirit. Many times I asked forgiveness for my weakness and prayed that Heavenly Father would help me with my weak faith. I truly felt that when I needed faith the most, I had the hardest time finding it and believing it. So I prayed for help in weakness. Through a series of events that I believe were divinely orchestrated, my parents were very instrumental in delivering us from what felt like an impossible situation. Then, after getting a handle on that problem, I still felt fear and insecurity about our future. Because my mother acted on a prompting, she encouraged me to seek counsel in the temple. I can truly testify that I did indeed receive very personal instruction there. Then we got back home, and I knew Jeff still needed help. He was struggling emotionally more than I had ever seen , and he was a thousand miles away. So I fasted because I literally didn't know what else to do. The only person who could help us was the Lord. A few days later, he was able to come home early and have a job interview that led to a job he has really wanted. That was not a coincidence. Then he and I fasted together, desperately needing that divine help again, and we have seen fruits of that. My weak faith has grown ten times stronger through these past few weeks. It is an amazing feeling after feeling so lost. 

Our challenges are not over yet. I know once we get through these, more will come too. But I cannot doubt that Heavenly Father and our Savior are aware of us. They are supporting us. They are cheering for us. Many times, They are carrying us. When we have nothing left to give, and no where else to go, we have to look up. Only then will we find deliverance. We are not in this alone. Sometimes the angels supporting us are in heaven, and sometimes they are in the people around us.

Faith is interesting. We do not know how all of this will turn out, how it will end. But Heavenly Father does. That is what I have faith in. He has shown us countless times that very that He doesn't want us to fail, and I truly believe that if we turn to Him, turn to our Savior for help, we won't. When our burdens are too much to bear, our Savior will lighten them. He is our great mediator and the reason we have hope. I hate having to learn the hard way, but I am so grateful for the miracles we have witnessed and been blessed with. I know I wouldn't have appreciated them if not first having to suffer. We are not alone and never will be.

Sometimes I Wonder Who You'd be Today

Tomorrow, July 27th, would have been my brother, Zach's, 17th birthday.  I have to confess that as time has moved forward, I have thought of him less frequently.  And I never allow myself to feel sad about him.  Most of the time, that is because I think about where he is now and what he is doing, I know he is happy.  I know he is doing important things, and I know he is where he needs to be.  We have been blessed by more than one account in the years since his passing of someone being touched in some way by Zach from the other side.  What a comfort that is.  Since tomorrow would have been a celebration of the years he had lived on earth, I thought I might allow myself just this once to reflect on what he might be like if he were here with us still.

My first thoughts are about what kind of uncle he would be.  He loved spending time with Brook when she was younger.  I know he would love what a wild child Brielle is, and I can almost hear him laughing at her antics.  I wonder what he would think of Brook now, and if he would like to play with the girls when we come to visit.

Then I wonder what our relationship would be like.  Would I have learned to appreciate him more?  Would he make me laugh?  Would he call me just to talk?  Would he drive up to see me just because he wanted to spend time with me?  What would we have done together?  Would we have gone on double dates together?  Would he have confided in me his girl stories?  Would he have come to me or Jeff for advice?

What would Zach have looked like now?  Would he be tall and filled out?  What would his face look like?  Would the girls be chasing him?

What would Zach be doing at home?  Would he be excelling at drums?  Start his own garage band?  Do crazy things with his friends?  Would he like school or be frustrated with it?  Would he play pranks?  Would he tease my parents?

If I did allow myself to be sad, I might think more on everything I wish he could have been there for but hasn't.  I might think about all the things we have missed out on as far as earthly experiences, rites of passage, and growing from boy to man.  Would I feel more complete if he were still here, sharing these things with me?

Since it is his birthday, I want Zach to know that I do allow myself to think these things from time to time.  I also want him to know that I am happy for him now.  I am grateful to him for not forgetting me, and sending me sweet reminders that his spirit is still here.  I can recall one in the past year.  His presence is so beautiful and comforting to me.  I love that he still finds ways to communicate his love to me.  I am grateful that his life continues on the other side, and that his physical death was not the end of his existence.  I am grateful that that is true of all of us, and that one day, we will all be reunited with the ones we love because of the Gospel and temples.  I love you Zach.  Thank you for being my brother.

I hope you don't mind the song I am sharing today.  It is not at all spiritual, but it reminds me of Zach because I have had these thoughts.  Plus, let's be honest, if Zach were here, he would probably appreciate the rapping.  This one's for you bro!

He Hears our Prayers and Knows our Hearts

My heart has been anxious to share my feelings and thoughts as I have studied the conference talks this past week.  I have certainly learned the value of having questions in mind when studying scriptures.  I feel like each day, a different question was answered.

From "Returning to the Faith," Sister Wixom shares insights from Mother Theresa's life: "Please pray specially for me that I may not spoil His work and that Our Lord may show Himself--for there is such terrible darkness within me, as if everything was dead...Ask the Lord to give me courage."  I was touched to learn that someone so selfless and in tune with spiritual things felt the way I have felt so many times over the years.  I definitely go through spurts where I feel more in-tuned with the spirit, and times where I truly feel like I am in darkness.  I appreciated the response her leader gave her: "God guides you, dear Mother, you are not so much in the dark as you think.  The path to be followed may not always be clear at once.  Pray for light; do not decide too quickly, listen to what others have to say, consider their reasons.  You will always find something to help you....Guided by faith, prayer, and by reason with a right intention, you have enough."  That light we need to pray for is the light of Christ.  His light is brighter and stronger than the darkness brought on by the adversary.  Listening to others is great counsel, as it is often through others that our prayers are answered.  Just yesterday, my own Mother shared some of her struggles to be more selfless and Christ-like, and what she has done to try to improve herself.  Although she had shared this with me before, I needed to hear it again.  Her greatest wisdom was: "Pray to love" when it seems your patience is running thin.  She shared several examples of how this has allowed her to see others through Christ's eyes and better understand them.

Elder Teixeira, in his talk "Seeking the Lord." counseled: "'[Seek] me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.'  Seeking the Lord and feeling His presence is a daily quest, a worthwhile effort."  This reminder was pertinent to me because I often take for granted the treasures of the Gospel and scriptures.  I take for granted that, at one time or another, my testimony has been strong and sure, so surely I will never struggle to maintain it.  Then, before I even realize it is happening, I find myself in that darkness.  I find myself lost and unsure.  But, what wise counsel: It is a daily quest.  We cannot stop striving to seek the Lord in our lives.  "I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing."  How often I have forgotten this loving counsel.  I truly believe that our Savior wants us to lean on Him.  He wants us to remember what great sacrifices He made for us, so that we don't have to try to do things, especially hard things, on our own.

Finally, Bishop Causse, in "Is it Still Wonderful to You?" shares this thought: "To marvel at the wonders of the gospel is a sign of faith.  It is to recognize the hand of the Lord in our lives and in everything around us."  He then shared the Book of Mormon story of the people who witnessed the miraculous signs of Jesus's birth.  After years passed, they began to forget what they had witnessed and felt, and even began to disbelieve all that they had heard and seen.  Wise follow-up counsel from Marcel Prout says "The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes."  That is why we must make a daily effort to study and review the scriptures.  We have the opportunity, every time we open those sacred works, to rediscover glorious, loving teachings; to experience the spirit testifying to us; and to receive counsel from teachings we have forgotten.

Through this experience,  I felt extreme gratitude and love for my Heavenly Father.  He knew I would need this counsel at this time in my life, and he filled my vessel daily.  What a blessing to have these conference talks available to us from our modern-day prophets, apostles, and church leaders.  I am truly grateful to Heavenly Father for being aware of my struggle, and for knowing how to reach out to me so that I would not feel so lost and alone.  We are blessed to have this knowledge.  I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Christ is involved in the details of our lives

I wanted to share my experience of Bailee coming to our family 5 weeks early.  Even though it was not at all what we had planned, the experience enabled me to feel the love of my Heavenly Father and the support of my Savior during a difficult time.  This experience would have been much harder had I not felt that love and support during this time.  As I have reflected on how everything worked out, I have no doubt that Heavenly Father played His hand in this.

Bailee was born on Monday, November 10th--5 weeks before her actual due date.  That Monday started out as a normal day.  I was just getting ready to leave work to pick up Brielle when I started experiencing a strong pain throughout my entire middle--front to back.  Initially, I thought maybe it was gallbladder pain, as I have had that quite frequently the past few weeks.  However, no matter how I tried to reposition myself, the pain got stronger, lasting for nearly an hour.  I had poor Brook in the car with me, and I was trying not to show how much pain I was really in.  Finally, I decided to go to the hospital.  Of course, when I got there, the pain stopped, but I decided to get checked out anyway.  At first, it looked like I wasn't in labor and we would be going home in a couple of hours.  However, when they checked me again almost 2 hours later, I had dilated almost to a 4 and was completely effaced.  At that point, they scheduled the c-section.  I honestly don't think I would have known for sure I was in labor for another couple of hours because I barely even felt the contractions, even though they were showing up on the monitor.  I had the thought that maybe I had experienced that pain initially so that I would get to the hospital in time.

When Bailee was born, her lungs were under developed.  Before being transported to the UVRMC NICU, Jeff had the opportunity to give her a blessing of healing, with the help of the respiratory therapist who was there with Bailee.  He blessed her that she would respond to the treatments given to her.  Thankfully, we saw the fruits of that rather quickly, as she only had to be on the ventilator for 12 hours.

Over the next few days as I was forced to wait patiently in the hospital to be released, I constantly felt the companionship of my Savior.  I felt so much love from the many prayers that were offered on our behalf.  I had forgotten what a strengthening influence that can be, and I truly believe in the power of prayer.  I have had so many fears and worries about Bailee, about my girls, and about my body healing.  At every turn, Heavenly Father has been alleviating those burdens through people who have dropped everything to help us, and through helping Bailee to gain strength everyday and quickly learning what she needed to do to be able to eat successfully.

I have felt so grateful as something has happened everyday that has reminded me that my Heavenly Father is aware of us and of our needs at this time.  Even something as simple as allowing me the opportunity to read a conference talk that spoke to my heart and reminded me of things I had forgotten.  Satan has also tried to discourage us during this time, but in the talk I read today, I was reminded to humble myself and to rely on and acknowledge the hand of my Savior in my life.  Because I have been so busy over the past several months, I have forgotten to take time to ponder on the life and love of our Savior, and I have felt an emptiness where I have neglected that.  It has been so incredible to be reminded of just how amazing it feels to be filled with the love and support of our Savior when I feel so limited in what I am capable of doing.  Heavenly Father is in the details of our lives.  He wants us to be successful.  He wants us to turn to Him.  Our Savior is ready and waiting to help us whenever we need, if we but humbly ask.  I am truly grateful for that reminder.

Finding Faith: A Daily Exercise

I know my blog posts are becoming fewer and farther between.  Part of that is because I have been so busy.  Part of it is because I always have to work up the courage to share my thoughts and feelings so openly.  Even though it is not as scary as sharing verbally, it still scares me!

Jeff made a comment to me today that really struck me.  Someone had mentioned how Heavenly Father will never give us more than we can handle.  However, how many of us have at times felt extremely overwhelmed by what we have been asked to handle?  Jeff’s thought was that maybe Heavenly Father will never give us more than we can endure without the help of the Savior.  I reflected on the truth in that.  How many times, when perhaps we have reached those breaking points, have we suddenly found added strength and comfort because the Savior came to our rescue?  Suddenly these unbearable burdens became bearable.  I am reminded of a scripture from Philippians: I can endure all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me. (I know it goes something like that).  Maybe sometimes we are asked to endure certain challenges so we can learn to understand the Savior and what He suffered for us, as well as what He can do for us in times of need.  I feel very strongly that there is nothing like the peace and comfort, and strength that come from the Savior.  It is that feeling that nothing is impossible.  It is the feeling that I can hope for a better tomorrow.  It is the complete absence of fear.  It is true happiness and peace that nothing else can bring.  There is nothing else like that feeling.

Sometimes it is hard to overcome our fears and worries long enough to recognize what the Savior can do for us.  We may forget He is there and think we have to do it all on our own.  Even the daily grind can become overwhelming as we try to be “Wonder Woman” or “Superman.”  There comes a time when we must recognize and admit our own limitations and acknowledge the need for Divine help.  At the moment, this is I what I am struggling with.  I have let anxiety and fear cloud my faith.  I am constantly looking for ways to solve all of our problems on our own, forgetting that Heavenly Father can do so much more if I am willing to put my faith and trust in Him.  I have to pray daily for the strength and faith to overcome my anxiety so that I can see His hand in all things.  Maybe I am looking for the wrong answer to my problems as well.  I think it has to be a certain thing we need to get us through.  But maybe Heavenly Father has a different plan that will give us just what we need to get through, and I need to trust in that.  It is hard when we are standing at the starting line, facing a mountain, and we cannot see how we can possibly climb it and get to the finish line on the other side.  But we have to have faith and start climbing, relying on the strength of the Lord to carry us through.  He will not let us fail.  We might stumble and fall a few times, but He will pick us up and carry us through the hardest parts.  He will get us to the finish line if we have the faith to rely on Him.  I also think it is important to remember that Heavenly Father cares about everything that is a concern to us.  We may not think a problem is important enough to trouble Him with.  But who better to turn to?  When we really don’t know what to do, there is always Someone that does.  Of this we need to remind ourselves everyday!  Every decision we turn to our Father in Heaven for, will only serve to increase our faith.

Lemons

I am one of those people who always carries a little bit of fear in the back of my mind, worrying about what trials we might be asked to endure.  When I hear about some of the other things friends of mine are going through, or people I know, my heart breaks a little.  Part of me also wonders if I would be able to handle it.  Jeff and I have been faced with a challenge the past couple of months that has kind of awakened us to the fact that sometimes we will have to endure challenges that we cannot control.  We will have to find a way to get through it somehow.

I entitled this post 'Lemons' because we recently found out that our car we bought a year ago is in fact a lemon.  We were so excited about it because it is bigger, and it looks nice for being 10 years old.  Unfortunately, it came with some major problems.  As we came to realize just how steep the repairs were going to be, and there was nothing we could do but move forward, we prayed endlessly for help.  The answers to our prayers came in very unexpected ways.  The first answer that I got was comfort.  I felt sure that no matter the outcome, we would be able to handle it.  I felt that somehow things would work out.  This is what I tried to hold onto as the bad news piled up.  It was actually quite difficult to hold onto my faith in that answer, as we seemed to have every door shut in our face.  We kept praying for some kind of help with our situation.  I finally came to the conclusion that maybe Heavenly Father wasn't going to necessarily take this trial away from us.  He must have wanted us to have this experience for some reason, and He must have wanted us to work it out on our own.  Along with that, He did promise that we would be able to get through it.  This was just a big bump in the road.  Finally, after weeks of struggling with this, we were blessed with a miracle that seemed to come out of nowhere.

Heavenly Father did send us the help we so desperately needed in a very unexpected way, giving us more help than we could have anticipated.  More than I felt worthy of receiving, to be honest.  It came through some special angels here on earth, that we are so blessed to have in our lives.  We are so grateful to them for being willing to heed a prompting and provide us with answers to our prayers.  To us, it was a miracle.  We are grateful to our Heavenly Father for being mindful of us.  Even though we have had to deal with something hard, He has not abandoned us.

I also know that this is not the most difficult thing we could have faced.  I am grateful it has been something we are able to endure, and that it has been more of a challenge than a heartache, as trials so often can be.  I also learned through this experience, the importance of coming to the Lord with all of your concerns, and then returning thanks for listening and providing the answers that we need when we cannot find them on our own.  As I have pondered on this experience, I have also thought about how grateful I am that, from the beginning, Heavenly Father knew we would be able to get through this, and He blessed me with feeling that comfort, as well as having the strength to face the challenge.  It has given me the opportunity to feel of the power of the Atonement, because I know the strength was not my own.  It came from above.

While trials ands challenges cause us to have stress and worry, and many other emotions, He will never leave us alone in our troubles.  He will carry us through them.

So I picked this video because I feel like none of us are "Invisible" to Heavenly Father, and someday all of these challenges will become "Invisible."

What Zach Has Taught Me

I have been meaning to write this post for a while in remembrance of Zach's passing two years ago.  I just wanted it to be perfect, so I have been waiting for the right moment.  I hope and pray I can share the message I have been constructing in my mind for this past week.  I wanted Zach to know what he has taught me since he has passed.  I suppose that is what makes it easier for me to go on.  Knowing that his spirit lives on and continues to help myself and others brings me the greatest comfort.  Here is what I have learned from him in the last two years.  (I apologize that some of this I have already shared.  Hope you don't mind the redundancy.)

1. Always say 'I love you.'  You know how you sometimes get those subtle promptings?  A passing thought that could easily be dismissed?  The last time I saw Zach will be forever ingrained in my memory.  I was getting ready to drive back up North after visiting for Thanksgiving, and Zach didn't come to say good-bye.  This kind of hurt my feelings, and my prideful side wanted to just walk away.  However, I had this distinct thought come to my mind: "He needs to know that you love him."  So I went back and gave him a hug, and I told him that I loved him.  That was the last time I even spoke to him.
Every time I get upset with Jeff and feel like storming off, I remember that day.  I may need some time to cool down, but I make sure to tell him that I love him.  I also never leave the house anymore without kissing my family twice, just in case.  I never want them to doubt that I love them.

2. One day, tomorrow will not come.  I know this is kind of a depressing thought, but this became a reality to me when Zach died.  You think you will always have 'tomorrow' to make things better, to right your wrong, or to say 'I love you.'  Someday, that will not be true, so take advantage of having today.  Make sure that when the end of the day comes, you do not go to sleep with any regrets.  I have so many things I wanted to do or say with Zach, and I can only hope that he knows what is in my heart, because those opportunities are lost to me in this life now.

3. Everything I have ever been taught about Heaven is true and real.  My dad has had some incredible dreams and experiences with Zach.  I will not share any of the details, but they have taught me  that our spirits live on beyond the veil.  They have taught me that the spirits of those who have passed on are engaged in an incredible work.  Zach may have not been able to serve a mission here on earth, but he is serving an eternal mission now.  I also learned that he is happy to be where he is at and doing what he is doing.  This thought brings me peace.

4.  We are all entitled to personal revelation.  When Zach died, my dad gave me a blessing that I would receive the answers I was seeking in a way that I needed.  I did not realize how quickly those answers would come.  I had a dream that same night about Zach.  I was in my parents' basement, and Zach suddenly appeared in front of me as an 8 year old.  He told me in this dream that he was happy, and I told him that I loved him.  One thing I distinctly remember is holding onto his hands for dear life.  I would not let him go until I knew that he was happy, and he knew that I loved him.  Once this was accomplished, he left.

5. I know what the power of the Atonement feels like and what it can do for us.  During this time, I felt the power of the Atonement, as well as the power of the prayers being offered in our behalf.  I knew that I should be falling apart, because that is what I always thought would happen should I find myself in this situation.  However, it didn't happen.  I felt peace and reassurance.  I felt hope.  I felt strength I didn't know I had.  I asked myself how this was possible, and the answer came that my Savior was holding me up, helping me to do something I never thought I could do.  I wish it did not take something this tragic for me to feel of this magical, incredible gift, but I am grateful I know firsthand what the Atonement can do for us.  I am also grateful that because of what Jesus suffered for us, this life is not the end.  We have much to look forward to in the next life.

6. Zach loves me.  Zach has miraculously found ways to let me know that he loves me, and the he is still around.  There have been the tender visits from him.  I have never seen him, but I have definitely felt him: A warmth and love that could only be him.  Then there was the time that I opened an old journal one day, and found a note from Zach that simply said "I love you. ZP."  My mom also found an old email, that I still have, where he told me he had fun visiting me, and that I was 'the best sister.'  Last Christmas, we found an old book of Zach's.  A diary, I believe.  He wrote about me several times, and how he missed me (I was at college), and how excited he was for me to visit.  It reminded me of the special relationship we shared growing up, which was something I needed to remember.

So, even though I do not get to see him, he has taught me more about Heaven, miracles, and the importance of family than I think I could have learned on my own.  I will always be grateful to him for leaving this legacy and gift behind.  He is my angel.  The song I chose today reflects my feelings about where Zach is, and my gratitude to my Savior for making it all possible.

Choosing the Right brings peace

Today has been a special Sunday.  I really wanted to feel the spirit of the Sabbath, and I realized that, to do this, I needed to make different choices than what I have made in the past.  I love to start my Saturdays (and usually Sundays) watching Disney Junior with my girls.  It's our time together.  However, today, instead of doing that,  I turned on church music when they woke up.  I immediately felt this incredibly peaceful spirit come into our home that I have not felt for a while.  I even found time to read a couple of conference talks before the girls woke up this morning, where I am usually just so lazy on Sunday, I actually don't get to scripture study at all on Sundays, of all days!  Because of these simple choices, our whole day has felt different and special.  I felt more engaged in the talks and lessons today.  I even received an answer to a concern I had voiced to my Heavenly Father just this morning.  From these experiences today, I have learned a few important lessons.
1. Often times, when we are feeling stressed or anxious about something, we probably are not doing something right!  Why do I feel this way?  Well, our Sunday mornings are usually very chaotic, and I can't get Brook to do anything because she would rather sit and watch her show.  So we get into fights trying to get her going.  This morning, when I chose to leave the TV off and invite the spirit in, there was no stress, and there was no fighting.
2. When we give time to the Lord, He gives time back to us.  I took the time to study the words of the apostles this morning, and as a result, we were not rushing out the door.  We had plenty of time to get to church, even though I did something I usually don't take the time to do on Sunday mornings.
3. Preparing ourselves for the Sabbath day, and for church, enhances our experience and opens our hearts to the spirit.  Since I actually came to church with some questions today, and was not distracted by the chaos of life, but calm and open to the spirit, I received an almost immediate answer to my question.  I felt like everything taught could be applied to my life somehow, instead of brushing if off, thinking it was not for me.
4. Small and simple things bring forth great blessings.  In making these choices today, I was again reminded of a promise the Lord made to me a few months ago.  I always have Jeff give me a blessing at the beginning of each school year.  The blessing this year was different.  It started out: "This is going to be your hardest year yet."  I'm not going to lie, I immediately panicked.  This is not what I wanted to hear.  Yet, the Lord was preparing me.  He also followed it with counsel: "As long as you are reading your scriptures daily and saying your prayers, you will be able to do what you need to do, and you will get through it."  He asked such a simple thing of me, and in return, promised I would be able to get through this year.  This has been true today and everyday.
5. Another precious thing that occurred was that, when I was open to the spirit, instead of distracted by worldly things, not only did I feel the spirit of the Lord, but I also felt Zach's spirit.  Some of the songs on my church playlist are sweet songs that remind me of him.  When they came on, I was reminded of him and how much I love him.  I think, in a way, he was with me for those few minutes.
I feel so blessed and so grateful to my Heavenly Father for prompting me to do the things I need to do for myself, an for my family.  I also feel grateful that He is aware of me, and that He finds ways everyday to remind me of His presence in my life.  Isn't it interesting that doing what the Lord has asked us to do opens more doors and gives us more opportunities than choosing the opposite?  Isn't it interesting that inviting the spirit helps us to bear, and sometimes, rid ourselves of our anxieties?  Heavenly Father loves us so much, and He will show us everyday if we simply do the small and simple things He has asked of us.  I am so grateful for this knowledge!

Catching glimpses of heaven

     Lately, I have been pondering the experiences I have had where I have been blessed to feel Zach's presence.  Until he died, I don't think I ever really understood what heaven held in store for us.  Since he has passed, I have caught glimpses of heaven.  I suppose one of the blessings of having a loved one on the other side is the sudden knowledge that heaven is real, and that the spirits of those who have passed on do in fact continue to exist.  I feel like I need to share what it feels like.  I have come to realize what a unique feeling and experience it is.
     The first time I felt Zach near me was at the beach this time last year.  I had been feeling really sad because being at the beach was just not the same without him.  I was standing on the shoreline, enjoying the beauty of the setting sun, when suddenly this incredibly warm feeling came over me, almost like a tangible hug.  I felt love, peace, and comfort.  I felt that someone--Zach--was there.  I could have stayed there forever, relishing this feeling.  Just as surely as I knew he was there, I felt when he was gone.
     The next time this happened to me was when I was driving down to St. George back in April.  The song "I Drive Your Truck" by Lee Brice came on the radio.  The first time I had ever heard this song, I immediately thought of Zach and the ways I tried to remember him.  After all, it is about someone losing their brother.  The moment this song came on, I felt this warmth come over me.  Again, it felt like love, and it was so peaceful.  I felt like the sun was warmer and brighter all of a sudden.  It stayed with me throughout the entire song, and I felt like Zach was telling me that this was 'our song.'  As soon as the song ended, the feeling was gone, and I knew he had left.  But it was so special.  The fact that I felt so different from when it started to when it ended told me that he truly had been there.
     Today I was blessed with another sweet experience.  I briefly shared the fact that Zach had died with a friend, and as usual, it brought the sadness I try to keep buried deep down, up to the surface.  As I was driving home, 'our song' (I Drive Your Truck) came on the radio, and I immediately felt comforted and like I was surrounded by Zach's presence.  Then, almost as another tender mercy, immediately after that song ended, Carrie Underwood's "See You Again" came on the radio.  I felt like Zach was trying to tell me that he was with me and reminding me that we will see each other again someday.
     There is such a unique feeling associated with feeling the presence of someone beyond the veil.  I am so grateful that I have been blessed with these experiences and that I can with confidence say that I know heaven is real, and that our loved ones do live on.  This life is not the end.  I am grateful to Zach for continuing to be a presence in my life as well.  I love you buddy!

Looking up

I am going to piggy back off of a talk that was shared in sacrament meeting today.  It was awesome, to say the least.  His focus was on gratitude.  The way he taught it, though, was by focusing on the idea of "looking up."  This hit me so hard because I realized that once again I had been so caught up in my own problems that I had neglected to express my gratitude to my Heavenly Father.  I wanted to sneak out right then and fix this.  What I learned from this talk is that we are always going to struggle with something in our lives, and if we look down, Satan will pull us down further.  He will blind us from the light that is always surrounding us.  But if we can exercise even a little bit of faith by looking up, looking to the Lord, looking to the light, we will be given the power and strength we need to get through anything.  This brother also said, however, that even if we are looking up, Satan will still try to pull us down with fear.  We have to cast out fear and let faith take over.  I came across an article from this month's Ensign that hit this idea perfectly.  This is by Elder Brent H. Nielson, and it is entitled: "Move Forward with Faith."

"The biggest challenge seems to be fear—fear of the future, fear of failure, fear of not knowing who {we} are or what {we} can become. I have learned a very important lesson. In the gospel of Jesus Christ, fear is the opposite of faith. If you have fear, faith diminishes, but if you have faith, fear diminishes."

This is me!  I constantly fear all of these things.  There was a time in my life when it was so easy to have faith.  I literally never doubted that things would work themselves out.  I am now far removed from that person, and it has been quite the battle to find that conviction again.  I keep thinking about this situation where I desperately needed guidance.  I felt like Heavenly Father wanted me to do something big, but it scared me.  Logically, I could not see how it would work out.  I feared what it would mean for the future.  I feared we would in no way be prepared and we would fail.  I just could not see it working out.  Well, I received one very strong witness that I should listen to what Heavenly Father was telling me.  Then Satan started working on me really hard.  He threw everything he could at me to scare me, and it worked for a while.  So Jeff and I fasted together about this, and we both immediately knew the answer.  When the answer came, all of the fear I had been feeling for the past months were immediately replaced by peace and joy and excitement.  However, it did not take Satan long to start messing with me again.  I prayed for strength to rise above this and see the light that is promised us.  I needed to know without a doubt that we were making the right decision.  My third confirmation came a few days later, when I felt filled with that beautiful light and hope.  This time it stayed!  I knew we needed to listen to what Heavenly Father was telling me, so I finally acted on this loving inspiration.  Now I have to exercise faith in His plan for us as we walk forward into the future.

"In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we need have no fear. We need not fear death, because we have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His gift of the Resurrection. We need not fear what man can do to us, because we know that if God is with us and if we have faith in Jesus Christ, we can accomplish whatsoever thing is expedient to His work (seeMoroni 7:33). We need not fear the future, because we know that as we keep the commandments, the Lord will bless us.

Paul teaches, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7). We move forward with faith in God the Father and in His Son, Jesus Christ."

When you read those quotes, don't you just feel like saying "How could I ever fear anything knowing what Heavenly Father has given me and promised me?"  That is how it makes me feel.  We must look up, to the promises and blessing surrounding us.  Life will be hard at times.  It will bring heartbreak and uncertainty.  Burdens will weigh us down at times.  We will probably lose sight of what is important and miss many glorious blessings while we are in that lost state.  However, we need to know that Heavenly Father will never abandon us.  He sacrificed His only begotten Son so that we could have hope in our future, so that we would never truly be alone in this life.  Because of what the Savior did for us, He is able to lift us up and carry us when we need it.  No matter the difficulty we are facing, we will eventually find our way back to the light if we can exercise the faith to look up.  That is what the Atonement is for.  That is why we have the gospel today so that we can have this knowledge, so we MUST use it.

Reaching for the light

These past few months have been a constant battle of ups and downs.  I hope it is ok to bare my soul a little bit here.  I have battled depression before, but this time around has been so different.  I would go back and forth between feeling peace and happiness, and then feeling so completely sad that I didn't seem to care about anything anymore.  I felt darkness.  I felt extreme anxiety, guilt, and sadness.  Every little mistake I made felt like I had committed some horrible sin.  I tried everything I could think of  to live my life righteously, knowing that if I kept holding onto that, surely I could receive heavenly help to pull out of this funk.  Finally, I realized that I was fighting Satan.  I was having a hard time opening my heart during my prayers.  I often wondered if they ever made it passed the ceiling.  I literally could not feel the spirit anymore.  At church, I felt this wall blocking it out, keeping me from feeling the spirit there.  When I read the scriptures, I felt guilt, instead of their power.  I stopped seeing the blessings I know were surrounding me daily.  It was so hard to fight this.  So hard.  I have never felt this way before.
Finally, I realized what I needed to do.  I poured my heart out to Heavenly Father.  I told him that I was not strong enough to fight this.  I could not carry out my responsibilities as a wife and mother constantly feeling this way.  I needed His help to remove this burden from my heart, that I would not feel it anymore.  I acknowledged that only Satan could make me feel this way, and I needed Heavenly Father's love and support to rise above.  He did answer my prayer almost immediately.  I felt at peace for the first time in months.  I was able to be happy and see clearly.  I was able to enjoy the blessings that were all around me.  I had put off re-reading this conference talk by Elder Uchtdorf, "The Hope of God's Light."  For some reason, I had felt afraid.  But I finally read it when some of this darkness cleared, and I can't help but feel it was meant for me.  I am going to include some of it here:

There may be some among you who feel darkness encroaching upon you. You may feel burdened by worry, fear, or doubt. To you and to all of us, I repeat a wonderful and certain truth: God’s light is real. It is available to all! It gives life to all things.¹ It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound. It can be a healing balm for the loneliness and sickness of our souls. In the furrows of despair, it can plant the seeds of a brighter hope. It can enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn.

This is “the Spirit of Jesus Christ,” which gives “light to every man that cometh into the world.”²

First, start where you are.

Isn’t it wonderful to know that we don’t have to be perfect to experience the blessings and gifts of our Heavenly Father? We don’t have to wait to cross the finish line to receive God’s blessings. In fact, the heavens begin to part and the blessings of heaven begin to distill upon us with the very first steps we take toward the light.

The perfect place to begin is exactly where you are right now. It doesn’t matter how unqualified you may think you are or how far behind others you may feel. The very moment you begin to seek your Heavenly Father, in that moment, the hope of His light will begin to awaken, enliven, and ennoble your soul.⁵ The darkness may not dissipate all at once, but as surely as night always gives way to dawn, the light will come.

Second, turn your heart toward the Lord.

Lift up your soul in prayer and explain to your Heavenly Father what you are feeling. Acknowledge your shortcomings. Pour out your heart and express your gratitude. Let Him know of the trials you are facing. Plead with Him in Christ’s name for strength and support. Ask that your ears may be opened, that you may hear His voice. Ask that your eyes may be opened, that you may see His light.

Third, walk in the light.

Your Heavenly Father knows that you will make mistakes. He knows that you will stumble—perhaps many times. This saddens Him, but He loves you. He does not wish to break your spirit. On the contrary, He desires that you rise up and become the person you were designed to be.

To that end, He sent His Son to this earth to illuminate the way and show us how to safely cross the stumbling blocks placed in our path. He has given us the gospel, which teaches the way of the disciple. It teaches us the things we must know, do, and be to walk in His light, following in the footsteps of His Beloved Son, our Savior."

This talk made me feel like I wasn't alone.  Surely there were others out there struggling with this.  And the answer to my problem is so simple.  Turn to the Savior.  He is the true Light of the world.  I can't believe I had forgotten it, and how the Savior had carried me so many times before.  Why would this time be any different?  And as soon as I asked for Him to remove this burden, He took it.  He carried it for me.  We are so blessed to have the knowledge of the Gospel.  I can't imagine facing my trials without this knowledge.  I would be lost without it.  I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for not giving up on me while I struggled to find my way.  I am so grateful to my Savior for lifting me when I couldn't stand on my own.  I hope that this can help someone else who may feel this way at times too.  And of course, here is my token song to go along with my post.  Click on the link below:

http://youtu.be/0OvPN1vtZos

Recognizing the voice of the Lord

"The Lord always answers the humble prayer of faith.  {The scriptures} and our personal experience teach us how to recognize those answers and accept them in faith, whether they be direction, confirmation of truth, or a warning. I pray that we always will listen for and recognize the loving voice of the Lord."  (President Henry B. Eyring "The Voice of the Lord.")

I want to write about this while it is fresh in my heart.  I have had some neat experiences this week, in listening to the voice of the Lord.  My mom gave Jeff and I a bunch of names to take to the temple for their endowments.  We have a hard time finding time to go to the temple, so I was a little nervous about this task she had given us.  However, it provided me with a sweet experience that I feel has opened my heart to the voice of the Spirit of the Lord.  The name that was at the top of my pile, Catherine, kept leaping out at me.  Every time I looked at it, I could feel her urgency and desire to have her temple work done.  Finally, I couldn't ignore it anymore.  Jeff and I went to the temple on Friday, and I took her name through the Endowment session.  I could feel her excitement the whole time, and I think I was more personally invested in the work than I ever have been.  When the ordinance was complete, I heard a voice say "We did it!" and I knew she was happy to finally have her work done.  

Today in Relief Society, I had this incredibly joyful feeling come over me.  I knew it was the Lord communicating a message to me.  The more I pondered His message, the more I felt He was directing me down a new path, and as I thought of accepting His will in this matter, I had a hard time containing the pure joy that I felt at being willing to accept His call.  

Then I came across this talk from Elder Eyring on recognizing the voice of the Lord in your life.  It was another confirmation that He had been speaking to me this past week, and what I had been experiencing was Divine.  I feel so blessed to have had these experiences.  It is moments like this that really help to life me up, and then to pick me up again when I have doubts.  I always think back to this scripture: “Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?” (D&C 6:23).  

We are so blessed to have open lines of communication with the Lord.  We need to be making good choices, that will allow us to remain close to Him.  We need to be doing our daily scripture study and having daily prayer.  These things seem so small, but in our busy lives, they are our anchor.  They allow the spirit to be in our lives.  They allow our hearts to be open to communication from above.  I know I could not have had these experiences without doing these things.  I have been on the other side, where I felt trapped behind a wall, afraid to let Him in.  To know that I have been able to overcome that at this time is such a blessing.  I am so grateful to the Lord for loving me and trusting me.  I am grateful for His counsel in my life and His reassurances that all things are possible through Him.