Looking up

I am going to piggy back off of a talk that was shared in sacrament meeting today.  It was awesome, to say the least.  His focus was on gratitude.  The way he taught it, though, was by focusing on the idea of "looking up."  This hit me so hard because I realized that once again I had been so caught up in my own problems that I had neglected to express my gratitude to my Heavenly Father.  I wanted to sneak out right then and fix this.  What I learned from this talk is that we are always going to struggle with something in our lives, and if we look down, Satan will pull us down further.  He will blind us from the light that is always surrounding us.  But if we can exercise even a little bit of faith by looking up, looking to the Lord, looking to the light, we will be given the power and strength we need to get through anything.  This brother also said, however, that even if we are looking up, Satan will still try to pull us down with fear.  We have to cast out fear and let faith take over.  I came across an article from this month's Ensign that hit this idea perfectly.  This is by Elder Brent H. Nielson, and it is entitled: "Move Forward with Faith."

"The biggest challenge seems to be fear—fear of the future, fear of failure, fear of not knowing who {we} are or what {we} can become. I have learned a very important lesson. In the gospel of Jesus Christ, fear is the opposite of faith. If you have fear, faith diminishes, but if you have faith, fear diminishes."

This is me!  I constantly fear all of these things.  There was a time in my life when it was so easy to have faith.  I literally never doubted that things would work themselves out.  I am now far removed from that person, and it has been quite the battle to find that conviction again.  I keep thinking about this situation where I desperately needed guidance.  I felt like Heavenly Father wanted me to do something big, but it scared me.  Logically, I could not see how it would work out.  I feared what it would mean for the future.  I feared we would in no way be prepared and we would fail.  I just could not see it working out.  Well, I received one very strong witness that I should listen to what Heavenly Father was telling me.  Then Satan started working on me really hard.  He threw everything he could at me to scare me, and it worked for a while.  So Jeff and I fasted together about this, and we both immediately knew the answer.  When the answer came, all of the fear I had been feeling for the past months were immediately replaced by peace and joy and excitement.  However, it did not take Satan long to start messing with me again.  I prayed for strength to rise above this and see the light that is promised us.  I needed to know without a doubt that we were making the right decision.  My third confirmation came a few days later, when I felt filled with that beautiful light and hope.  This time it stayed!  I knew we needed to listen to what Heavenly Father was telling me, so I finally acted on this loving inspiration.  Now I have to exercise faith in His plan for us as we walk forward into the future.

"In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we need have no fear. We need not fear death, because we have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His gift of the Resurrection. We need not fear what man can do to us, because we know that if God is with us and if we have faith in Jesus Christ, we can accomplish whatsoever thing is expedient to His work (seeMoroni 7:33). We need not fear the future, because we know that as we keep the commandments, the Lord will bless us.

Paul teaches, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7). We move forward with faith in God the Father and in His Son, Jesus Christ."

When you read those quotes, don't you just feel like saying "How could I ever fear anything knowing what Heavenly Father has given me and promised me?"  That is how it makes me feel.  We must look up, to the promises and blessing surrounding us.  Life will be hard at times.  It will bring heartbreak and uncertainty.  Burdens will weigh us down at times.  We will probably lose sight of what is important and miss many glorious blessings while we are in that lost state.  However, we need to know that Heavenly Father will never abandon us.  He sacrificed His only begotten Son so that we could have hope in our future, so that we would never truly be alone in this life.  Because of what the Savior did for us, He is able to lift us up and carry us when we need it.  No matter the difficulty we are facing, we will eventually find our way back to the light if we can exercise the faith to look up.  That is what the Atonement is for.  That is why we have the gospel today so that we can have this knowledge, so we MUST use it.

Reaching for the light

These past few months have been a constant battle of ups and downs.  I hope it is ok to bare my soul a little bit here.  I have battled depression before, but this time around has been so different.  I would go back and forth between feeling peace and happiness, and then feeling so completely sad that I didn't seem to care about anything anymore.  I felt darkness.  I felt extreme anxiety, guilt, and sadness.  Every little mistake I made felt like I had committed some horrible sin.  I tried everything I could think of  to live my life righteously, knowing that if I kept holding onto that, surely I could receive heavenly help to pull out of this funk.  Finally, I realized that I was fighting Satan.  I was having a hard time opening my heart during my prayers.  I often wondered if they ever made it passed the ceiling.  I literally could not feel the spirit anymore.  At church, I felt this wall blocking it out, keeping me from feeling the spirit there.  When I read the scriptures, I felt guilt, instead of their power.  I stopped seeing the blessings I know were surrounding me daily.  It was so hard to fight this.  So hard.  I have never felt this way before.
Finally, I realized what I needed to do.  I poured my heart out to Heavenly Father.  I told him that I was not strong enough to fight this.  I could not carry out my responsibilities as a wife and mother constantly feeling this way.  I needed His help to remove this burden from my heart, that I would not feel it anymore.  I acknowledged that only Satan could make me feel this way, and I needed Heavenly Father's love and support to rise above.  He did answer my prayer almost immediately.  I felt at peace for the first time in months.  I was able to be happy and see clearly.  I was able to enjoy the blessings that were all around me.  I had put off re-reading this conference talk by Elder Uchtdorf, "The Hope of God's Light."  For some reason, I had felt afraid.  But I finally read it when some of this darkness cleared, and I can't help but feel it was meant for me.  I am going to include some of it here:

There may be some among you who feel darkness encroaching upon you. You may feel burdened by worry, fear, or doubt. To you and to all of us, I repeat a wonderful and certain truth: God’s light is real. It is available to all! It gives life to all things.¹ It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound. It can be a healing balm for the loneliness and sickness of our souls. In the furrows of despair, it can plant the seeds of a brighter hope. It can enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn.

This is “the Spirit of Jesus Christ,” which gives “light to every man that cometh into the world.”²

First, start where you are.

Isn’t it wonderful to know that we don’t have to be perfect to experience the blessings and gifts of our Heavenly Father? We don’t have to wait to cross the finish line to receive God’s blessings. In fact, the heavens begin to part and the blessings of heaven begin to distill upon us with the very first steps we take toward the light.

The perfect place to begin is exactly where you are right now. It doesn’t matter how unqualified you may think you are or how far behind others you may feel. The very moment you begin to seek your Heavenly Father, in that moment, the hope of His light will begin to awaken, enliven, and ennoble your soul.⁵ The darkness may not dissipate all at once, but as surely as night always gives way to dawn, the light will come.

Second, turn your heart toward the Lord.

Lift up your soul in prayer and explain to your Heavenly Father what you are feeling. Acknowledge your shortcomings. Pour out your heart and express your gratitude. Let Him know of the trials you are facing. Plead with Him in Christ’s name for strength and support. Ask that your ears may be opened, that you may hear His voice. Ask that your eyes may be opened, that you may see His light.

Third, walk in the light.

Your Heavenly Father knows that you will make mistakes. He knows that you will stumble—perhaps many times. This saddens Him, but He loves you. He does not wish to break your spirit. On the contrary, He desires that you rise up and become the person you were designed to be.

To that end, He sent His Son to this earth to illuminate the way and show us how to safely cross the stumbling blocks placed in our path. He has given us the gospel, which teaches the way of the disciple. It teaches us the things we must know, do, and be to walk in His light, following in the footsteps of His Beloved Son, our Savior."

This talk made me feel like I wasn't alone.  Surely there were others out there struggling with this.  And the answer to my problem is so simple.  Turn to the Savior.  He is the true Light of the world.  I can't believe I had forgotten it, and how the Savior had carried me so many times before.  Why would this time be any different?  And as soon as I asked for Him to remove this burden, He took it.  He carried it for me.  We are so blessed to have the knowledge of the Gospel.  I can't imagine facing my trials without this knowledge.  I would be lost without it.  I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for not giving up on me while I struggled to find my way.  I am so grateful to my Savior for lifting me when I couldn't stand on my own.  I hope that this can help someone else who may feel this way at times too.  And of course, here is my token song to go along with my post.  Click on the link below:

http://youtu.be/0OvPN1vtZos

Recognizing the voice of the Lord

"The Lord always answers the humble prayer of faith.  {The scriptures} and our personal experience teach us how to recognize those answers and accept them in faith, whether they be direction, confirmation of truth, or a warning. I pray that we always will listen for and recognize the loving voice of the Lord."  (President Henry B. Eyring "The Voice of the Lord.")

I want to write about this while it is fresh in my heart.  I have had some neat experiences this week, in listening to the voice of the Lord.  My mom gave Jeff and I a bunch of names to take to the temple for their endowments.  We have a hard time finding time to go to the temple, so I was a little nervous about this task she had given us.  However, it provided me with a sweet experience that I feel has opened my heart to the voice of the Spirit of the Lord.  The name that was at the top of my pile, Catherine, kept leaping out at me.  Every time I looked at it, I could feel her urgency and desire to have her temple work done.  Finally, I couldn't ignore it anymore.  Jeff and I went to the temple on Friday, and I took her name through the Endowment session.  I could feel her excitement the whole time, and I think I was more personally invested in the work than I ever have been.  When the ordinance was complete, I heard a voice say "We did it!" and I knew she was happy to finally have her work done.  

Today in Relief Society, I had this incredibly joyful feeling come over me.  I knew it was the Lord communicating a message to me.  The more I pondered His message, the more I felt He was directing me down a new path, and as I thought of accepting His will in this matter, I had a hard time containing the pure joy that I felt at being willing to accept His call.  

Then I came across this talk from Elder Eyring on recognizing the voice of the Lord in your life.  It was another confirmation that He had been speaking to me this past week, and what I had been experiencing was Divine.  I feel so blessed to have had these experiences.  It is moments like this that really help to life me up, and then to pick me up again when I have doubts.  I always think back to this scripture: “Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?” (D&C 6:23).  

We are so blessed to have open lines of communication with the Lord.  We need to be making good choices, that will allow us to remain close to Him.  We need to be doing our daily scripture study and having daily prayer.  These things seem so small, but in our busy lives, they are our anchor.  They allow the spirit to be in our lives.  They allow our hearts to be open to communication from above.  I know I could not have had these experiences without doing these things.  I have been on the other side, where I felt trapped behind a wall, afraid to let Him in.  To know that I have been able to overcome that at this time is such a blessing.  I am so grateful to the Lord for loving me and trusting me.  I am grateful for His counsel in my life and His reassurances that all things are possible through Him.

Finding strength on your knees

"I am grateful that I was [able] to turn to God almost daily...[it] taught me truly how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God.  I came to know my Savior and my Heavenly Father in a way and to a degree that might not have happened otherwise...I learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart.  I learned to walk with Him day by day."  Elder D. Todd Christofferson.
I had an interesting experience this week.  I have really become lazy with my prayers over the last several months.  I am always so tired when bedtime comes, that I decide I am too tired to get on my knees to pray.  So I lay there and try to pray, but fall asleep within minutes.  I had a situation come up this week that I really, really needed the Lord's help with.  I felt like I needed to fast for His help, but I can't right now since I am still nursing.  I asked Him what I could do to show my willingness to make a sacrifice, to show how important His help to me was.  The answer came to me that I should get on my knees to pray.  Not just at that moment, but every time I pray.  So I did.  In doing so, I realized what a disservice I had been doing to myself.  The moment I knelt down to pray, I felt this incredible peace and clarity, and quiet strength.  And the thing He asked of me was so simple.  It is the smallest of sacrifices, if you can even call it that, to show our love and respect for our Heavenly Father who does so much for us.  I thought, how selfish of me, to expect so much of Him, but to not even being willing to kneel down in prayer.  And I was only cheating myself.  Committing to do this simple act allows me to feel the windows of Heaven open, and allows me to feel like I am in direct communication with my Heavenly Father.  It is amazing what a difference it makes.
I just want to share my simple testimony of prayer.  I really feel like it is one of our greatest blessings.  We can pour our souls out to Him, and He will listen.  We can pray about anything, and Heavenly Father will answer us.  As we express gratitude to Him in prayer, we are able to realize how much He is involved in our lives, and how we never go unnoticed.
This Christmas season, I am grateful for the life of the Savior.  I am grateful for His perfect example, and His perfect love.  Sometimes life will knock us down, but He will be there to pick us back up and carry us forward.  I am grateful for this.  I am grateful for what He sacrificed to make that possible.
The song I chose for this post perfectly explains why we need to pray.  Enjoy!

What it was like for me

I have literally spent weeks considering what I have wanted to write about for this next post.  This time of year completely snuck up on me.  Tuesday the 11th will mark the one year anniversary of my little brother's death.  What I really would like to do is to share what it was like for me.  As I have reflected on this, I keep thinking, you never know what tiny moments in your life will become the most poignant ones.

Sunday, December 11th.  Wow, little did I know at the time what a significant day this would be.  In church that day, the subject was actually on death, and finding comfort in the lost of loved ones.  I remember thinking "I know there are several people in this ward who really need to hear this.  I'll just tuck it away for later when I might need to apply it."  I gave a lesson to the Beehives that day on dealing with trials.  There was a story in the lesson about a woman who lost a husband in a car accident while they were out celebrating their 20th anniversary.  I admitted to the girls "I don't know if I could ever handle something like that."  This lesson had me thinking about how much time I spend worrying about the next bump in the road.  I decided that I should quit worrying and just enjoy the good times.

Birthday party.  We were at my in-laws, celebrating mine and my sister-in-law's birthday.  I started getting these strange text messages from people.  My dad finally got a hold of me.  I knew right away he had been crying.  I thought "Oh, his dad must have passed away.  Of course he's sad."  He told me I needed to sit down, so I did.  Then he spoke the words I never ever thought I would hear.  "Zach is dead."  "WHAT?"  "Zach is dead."  "No!  How?"  He told me what had happened, and I kept thinking that at any moment, my dad would say he was kidding.  There was just no way it could be real.  However, the most amazing thing happened.
As soon as my dad told me, a voice came to me: "He is ok."  I felt in my heart that he was with loved ones, and I knew he was in a place where it is impossible not to be happy.  I felt this sense of strength and comfort that I never expected to feel at a time like that.  I was sad, but I have never been more sure that my Savior was standing there with me, carrying this burden with me almost immediately.  It carried me through those first few days, and showed me that I had an inner strength I never knew I had.  For the first time in my life, I knew what the power of the Atonement felt like.  I knew what it meant to have your burdens carried by the Savior.  I knew that He is real, and that He lives and loves us.  Everything I had ever been taught became so much more real than it ever had been.

What I love the most about Zach's story is that it didn't end there.  I know that his spirit lives on.  I know that he has touched so many lives since his passing.  He has sent messages of comfort to each of us in different ways since his passing.  I know there have been times when he has been close by.  Sometimes, my sweet little Brielle will be looking up at the ceiling and she will just start laughing for no reason.  I can't help but feel that Zach is playing with her sometimes.  I know he would have loved her.  Even as I write this, I feel an incredible peace, thinking about the incredible things he is doing now.  His life, his story is not over.  We just can't be there to witness it right now.  I know he is where he needs to be, and I also know that, at times, he is not far.  One witness of this for me is an email my mom found about a month ago.  One thing I have really struggled with is wishing I could know for sure that Zach knew how much I love him.  Then out of the blue, this email shows up.  I felt like he was sending me a message from above:
Z: "Hey Chelsea thanks for the great Easter weekend. It was a very fun time up there with you love ya sis."
ME: "I had loads of fun seeing you too bro. Miss ya and love you lots"
Z: "Thanks your the best sister love ya <3"
This short email is such a treasure to me now.  So, I'll let his words end my post.  I love you Zach, and I miss you everyday!  I love this song because I feel like it's Zach telling me these things, so it's my song for him.

What I need to Remember...

"He loves me the way I am.  He is my strength when I need help to stand."
"I am His Daughter" by Nichole Sheahan


I am writing today because I feel like I need to unload all of the feelings that have been building up inside over the past week.  Work has been so stressful lately.  I forgot how crazy this time of year is for my job.  And I don't know why, but it seems like Brielle saves her fussy days for when I am home with her on the weekends.  The hardest thing about that is that I am used to her being so happy, that I really don't know what to do for her when she gets like this.  Those two major stresses seem to have succeeded in pulling me into this weird funk that I sometimes fall into, where I dwell on all of the things I have not been doing right, or as well as I should, and I feel really down on myself.  For example, we had a lesson on service in Relief Society today.  I loved it, but it made me realize how much I have pushed this aside, and I feel like I have started to be really selfish.  I have just been too focused on me and my "problems" that I forgot to look outside of myself to see what is going on around me.  I am sure there are countless people around me struggling with similar feelings and feeling overwhelmed by their problems, but I have not done anything to help others in this situation.  In reality, my current stresses are small problems, and I would gladly deal with the stress of those problems than some of the other trials I could be facing or have faced.  I know that this is just a part of life.  I just had to get it off of my chest, and I realized something important today, amidst all of this.

No matter what happens, Heavenly Father still loves me.  Sometimes I think I am harder on myself than He is.  I found this song today that brought me so much comfort because it reminded me that I am His daughter, and He knows I am trying my best, even though I fall short everyday of what I would like to be.  It also reminded me that I am not in this alone.  I keep forgetting that when things get tough, I need to turn to Him to help me bear these burdens.  That is another thing that stuck out to me at church today--He has told us to "seek Him" and to "ask."  I can't be afraid to ask for the help I need.  He has never denied me that support before.

As I write this post, I am listening to this song on repeat: "I am His Daughter."  The spirit is so peacefully and tenderly wrapping me in this comforting hug.  I can truly feel of the love Heavenly Father has for me, and it is wonderful.  How blessed we are to know that He does love us perfectly and unconditionally.  He will never give up on us, no matter what happens.  I am reminded of this quote I have on my wall: "Prayer: When life gets to hard to stand...kneel."  This is so true.  Can anyone deny the peace you feel as soon as you fall on your knees and start conversing with Heavenly Father?  When you really pour your heart out to Him and start expressing gratitude for what He has blessed you with; when you plead for help, guidance, or comfort for something, with a sincere heart, not doubting that He will be there to help you, don't you feel of that love?  He is real.  He is always here.  He is waiting.  Our Savior is real.  They live, and they love us, and they are rooting for us.

There is something else that just came to mind that I have been reflecting on a lot lately.  That lately statement made me remember this.  I have been thinking about my sweet Zach a lot this week.  Honestly, I feel like his death, while it will always be sad not having him here, has become something so much more beautiful and amazing than I ever thought possible.  I have not doubt that he is also there, cheering for me and watching over me.  Knowing that I have my own sweet angel watching over me brings me such peace and happiness.  Thanks for being there Zach.  :)

Thanks for letting me share my thoughts.  It really does help me to reflect on these things, and I hope I can pass it on to someone else who might be needing it as well.

Happy Birthday Jeff!

"The greatest love story ever told was your own."

As we celebrate this exciting day for Jeff (he is 30!), I thought back to how we met.  It really is a cool story, so I thought I would share it today.  We met while Jeff was still serving his mission for the church out in North Carolina.  Well, obviously nothing happened right away, other than my mom fell in love with him and wanted me to write to him.  So I did.  He was obedient though, and he didn't write me back.  However, he did orchestrate a meeting between me, Mom, and his family, while he was still in NC.  So I met his family, and they took me under their wings pretty quickly.  So...several months pass, as I continued writing him.  He came home July 2nd.  Two days later, his sister invited me to watch her horse show.  I had a date that night, but while I was at work that day, I got the strongest feeling that if I did not jump on this opportunity now, it would be lost to me.  So I cancelled my date and went to the horse show.  When I got there, Jeff was too nervous to talk to me.  His mom invited me to this huge extended family get together that was celebrating her birthday that night.  I was nervous about that, but excited for the opportunity at the same time.  I went.  Well, Jeff and I hit it off right away.  We spent the entire evening talking about everything.  We mostly discussed his mission and things related to that.  There was literally an instant connection as we sat there talking.  For me, nothing had ever felt so right, as being in that moment.  We went on a real date the next night.  The next day, I went to his homecoming talk and spent the whole day with him and his family.  Monday came, and we spent that night talking out on my aunt's porch.  That's when we had our first "What if we did get married?" discussion.  (Are you following the timeline here?)  After we had that talk, I prayed the next morning that I wouldn't get freaked out about getting serious with someone, like I usually did.  Good news--I didn't panic!  After that, we didn't see each other for 3 weeks, as we were both out of town.  We did spend a lot of time talking on the phone though.  Ironically, the first time Jeff told me he loved me was after our first fight, over the phone.  It was still exciting though.  When I got home, he picked me up from the airport and kissed me for the first time.  It was magical.  Honestly, up to this point, every time someone kissed me, this little switch flipped inside, and I realized I didn't like the guy anymore.  It was weird.  So, when this kiss actually made me excited and left me wanting more, I knew this was real.  :)  The final step in the journey for me was when I prayed to know if I should marry Jeff.  I had the most incredible feeling completely envelop me, and I knew I couldn't deny it.  I knew he was "the one."  He proposed on August 17th--5 weeks after he got home from his mission.  Now, I wouldn't trade him for anyone in the whole world.  He is my other half, and my life would be incomplete without him.  And now we have 2 beautiful girls to add to that love.  I am so grateful that Heavenly Father lead me to Jeff, and that we have been able to share these last 7 years together.  I love you forever Jeff!