Christ is involved in the details of our lives

I wanted to share my experience of Bailee coming to our family 5 weeks early.  Even though it was not at all what we had planned, the experience enabled me to feel the love of my Heavenly Father and the support of my Savior during a difficult time.  This experience would have been much harder had I not felt that love and support during this time.  As I have reflected on how everything worked out, I have no doubt that Heavenly Father played His hand in this.

Bailee was born on Monday, November 10th--5 weeks before her actual due date.  That Monday started out as a normal day.  I was just getting ready to leave work to pick up Brielle when I started experiencing a strong pain throughout my entire middle--front to back.  Initially, I thought maybe it was gallbladder pain, as I have had that quite frequently the past few weeks.  However, no matter how I tried to reposition myself, the pain got stronger, lasting for nearly an hour.  I had poor Brook in the car with me, and I was trying not to show how much pain I was really in.  Finally, I decided to go to the hospital.  Of course, when I got there, the pain stopped, but I decided to get checked out anyway.  At first, it looked like I wasn't in labor and we would be going home in a couple of hours.  However, when they checked me again almost 2 hours later, I had dilated almost to a 4 and was completely effaced.  At that point, they scheduled the c-section.  I honestly don't think I would have known for sure I was in labor for another couple of hours because I barely even felt the contractions, even though they were showing up on the monitor.  I had the thought that maybe I had experienced that pain initially so that I would get to the hospital in time.

When Bailee was born, her lungs were under developed.  Before being transported to the UVRMC NICU, Jeff had the opportunity to give her a blessing of healing, with the help of the respiratory therapist who was there with Bailee.  He blessed her that she would respond to the treatments given to her.  Thankfully, we saw the fruits of that rather quickly, as she only had to be on the ventilator for 12 hours.

Over the next few days as I was forced to wait patiently in the hospital to be released, I constantly felt the companionship of my Savior.  I felt so much love from the many prayers that were offered on our behalf.  I had forgotten what a strengthening influence that can be, and I truly believe in the power of prayer.  I have had so many fears and worries about Bailee, about my girls, and about my body healing.  At every turn, Heavenly Father has been alleviating those burdens through people who have dropped everything to help us, and through helping Bailee to gain strength everyday and quickly learning what she needed to do to be able to eat successfully.

I have felt so grateful as something has happened everyday that has reminded me that my Heavenly Father is aware of us and of our needs at this time.  Even something as simple as allowing me the opportunity to read a conference talk that spoke to my heart and reminded me of things I had forgotten.  Satan has also tried to discourage us during this time, but in the talk I read today, I was reminded to humble myself and to rely on and acknowledge the hand of my Savior in my life.  Because I have been so busy over the past several months, I have forgotten to take time to ponder on the life and love of our Savior, and I have felt an emptiness where I have neglected that.  It has been so incredible to be reminded of just how amazing it feels to be filled with the love and support of our Savior when I feel so limited in what I am capable of doing.  Heavenly Father is in the details of our lives.  He wants us to be successful.  He wants us to turn to Him.  Our Savior is ready and waiting to help us whenever we need, if we but humbly ask.  I am truly grateful for that reminder.

Finding Faith: A Daily Exercise

I know my blog posts are becoming fewer and farther between.  Part of that is because I have been so busy.  Part of it is because I always have to work up the courage to share my thoughts and feelings so openly.  Even though it is not as scary as sharing verbally, it still scares me!

Jeff made a comment to me today that really struck me.  Someone had mentioned how Heavenly Father will never give us more than we can handle.  However, how many of us have at times felt extremely overwhelmed by what we have been asked to handle?  Jeff’s thought was that maybe Heavenly Father will never give us more than we can endure without the help of the Savior.  I reflected on the truth in that.  How many times, when perhaps we have reached those breaking points, have we suddenly found added strength and comfort because the Savior came to our rescue?  Suddenly these unbearable burdens became bearable.  I am reminded of a scripture from Philippians: I can endure all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me. (I know it goes something like that).  Maybe sometimes we are asked to endure certain challenges so we can learn to understand the Savior and what He suffered for us, as well as what He can do for us in times of need.  I feel very strongly that there is nothing like the peace and comfort, and strength that come from the Savior.  It is that feeling that nothing is impossible.  It is the feeling that I can hope for a better tomorrow.  It is the complete absence of fear.  It is true happiness and peace that nothing else can bring.  There is nothing else like that feeling.

Sometimes it is hard to overcome our fears and worries long enough to recognize what the Savior can do for us.  We may forget He is there and think we have to do it all on our own.  Even the daily grind can become overwhelming as we try to be “Wonder Woman” or “Superman.”  There comes a time when we must recognize and admit our own limitations and acknowledge the need for Divine help.  At the moment, this is I what I am struggling with.  I have let anxiety and fear cloud my faith.  I am constantly looking for ways to solve all of our problems on our own, forgetting that Heavenly Father can do so much more if I am willing to put my faith and trust in Him.  I have to pray daily for the strength and faith to overcome my anxiety so that I can see His hand in all things.  Maybe I am looking for the wrong answer to my problems as well.  I think it has to be a certain thing we need to get us through.  But maybe Heavenly Father has a different plan that will give us just what we need to get through, and I need to trust in that.  It is hard when we are standing at the starting line, facing a mountain, and we cannot see how we can possibly climb it and get to the finish line on the other side.  But we have to have faith and start climbing, relying on the strength of the Lord to carry us through.  He will not let us fail.  We might stumble and fall a few times, but He will pick us up and carry us through the hardest parts.  He will get us to the finish line if we have the faith to rely on Him.  I also think it is important to remember that Heavenly Father cares about everything that is a concern to us.  We may not think a problem is important enough to trouble Him with.  But who better to turn to?  When we really don’t know what to do, there is always Someone that does.  Of this we need to remind ourselves everyday!  Every decision we turn to our Father in Heaven for, will only serve to increase our faith.

Lemons

I am one of those people who always carries a little bit of fear in the back of my mind, worrying about what trials we might be asked to endure.  When I hear about some of the other things friends of mine are going through, or people I know, my heart breaks a little.  Part of me also wonders if I would be able to handle it.  Jeff and I have been faced with a challenge the past couple of months that has kind of awakened us to the fact that sometimes we will have to endure challenges that we cannot control.  We will have to find a way to get through it somehow.

I entitled this post 'Lemons' because we recently found out that our car we bought a year ago is in fact a lemon.  We were so excited about it because it is bigger, and it looks nice for being 10 years old.  Unfortunately, it came with some major problems.  As we came to realize just how steep the repairs were going to be, and there was nothing we could do but move forward, we prayed endlessly for help.  The answers to our prayers came in very unexpected ways.  The first answer that I got was comfort.  I felt sure that no matter the outcome, we would be able to handle it.  I felt that somehow things would work out.  This is what I tried to hold onto as the bad news piled up.  It was actually quite difficult to hold onto my faith in that answer, as we seemed to have every door shut in our face.  We kept praying for some kind of help with our situation.  I finally came to the conclusion that maybe Heavenly Father wasn't going to necessarily take this trial away from us.  He must have wanted us to have this experience for some reason, and He must have wanted us to work it out on our own.  Along with that, He did promise that we would be able to get through it.  This was just a big bump in the road.  Finally, after weeks of struggling with this, we were blessed with a miracle that seemed to come out of nowhere.

Heavenly Father did send us the help we so desperately needed in a very unexpected way, giving us more help than we could have anticipated.  More than I felt worthy of receiving, to be honest.  It came through some special angels here on earth, that we are so blessed to have in our lives.  We are so grateful to them for being willing to heed a prompting and provide us with answers to our prayers.  To us, it was a miracle.  We are grateful to our Heavenly Father for being mindful of us.  Even though we have had to deal with something hard, He has not abandoned us.

I also know that this is not the most difficult thing we could have faced.  I am grateful it has been something we are able to endure, and that it has been more of a challenge than a heartache, as trials so often can be.  I also learned through this experience, the importance of coming to the Lord with all of your concerns, and then returning thanks for listening and providing the answers that we need when we cannot find them on our own.  As I have pondered on this experience, I have also thought about how grateful I am that, from the beginning, Heavenly Father knew we would be able to get through this, and He blessed me with feeling that comfort, as well as having the strength to face the challenge.  It has given me the opportunity to feel of the power of the Atonement, because I know the strength was not my own.  It came from above.

While trials ands challenges cause us to have stress and worry, and many other emotions, He will never leave us alone in our troubles.  He will carry us through them.

So I picked this video because I feel like none of us are "Invisible" to Heavenly Father, and someday all of these challenges will become "Invisible."

What Zach Has Taught Me

I have been meaning to write this post for a while in remembrance of Zach's passing two years ago.  I just wanted it to be perfect, so I have been waiting for the right moment.  I hope and pray I can share the message I have been constructing in my mind for this past week.  I wanted Zach to know what he has taught me since he has passed.  I suppose that is what makes it easier for me to go on.  Knowing that his spirit lives on and continues to help myself and others brings me the greatest comfort.  Here is what I have learned from him in the last two years.  (I apologize that some of this I have already shared.  Hope you don't mind the redundancy.)

1. Always say 'I love you.'  You know how you sometimes get those subtle promptings?  A passing thought that could easily be dismissed?  The last time I saw Zach will be forever ingrained in my memory.  I was getting ready to drive back up North after visiting for Thanksgiving, and Zach didn't come to say good-bye.  This kind of hurt my feelings, and my prideful side wanted to just walk away.  However, I had this distinct thought come to my mind: "He needs to know that you love him."  So I went back and gave him a hug, and I told him that I loved him.  That was the last time I even spoke to him.
Every time I get upset with Jeff and feel like storming off, I remember that day.  I may need some time to cool down, but I make sure to tell him that I love him.  I also never leave the house anymore without kissing my family twice, just in case.  I never want them to doubt that I love them.

2. One day, tomorrow will not come.  I know this is kind of a depressing thought, but this became a reality to me when Zach died.  You think you will always have 'tomorrow' to make things better, to right your wrong, or to say 'I love you.'  Someday, that will not be true, so take advantage of having today.  Make sure that when the end of the day comes, you do not go to sleep with any regrets.  I have so many things I wanted to do or say with Zach, and I can only hope that he knows what is in my heart, because those opportunities are lost to me in this life now.

3. Everything I have ever been taught about Heaven is true and real.  My dad has had some incredible dreams and experiences with Zach.  I will not share any of the details, but they have taught me  that our spirits live on beyond the veil.  They have taught me that the spirits of those who have passed on are engaged in an incredible work.  Zach may have not been able to serve a mission here on earth, but he is serving an eternal mission now.  I also learned that he is happy to be where he is at and doing what he is doing.  This thought brings me peace.

4.  We are all entitled to personal revelation.  When Zach died, my dad gave me a blessing that I would receive the answers I was seeking in a way that I needed.  I did not realize how quickly those answers would come.  I had a dream that same night about Zach.  I was in my parents' basement, and Zach suddenly appeared in front of me as an 8 year old.  He told me in this dream that he was happy, and I told him that I loved him.  One thing I distinctly remember is holding onto his hands for dear life.  I would not let him go until I knew that he was happy, and he knew that I loved him.  Once this was accomplished, he left.

5. I know what the power of the Atonement feels like and what it can do for us.  During this time, I felt the power of the Atonement, as well as the power of the prayers being offered in our behalf.  I knew that I should be falling apart, because that is what I always thought would happen should I find myself in this situation.  However, it didn't happen.  I felt peace and reassurance.  I felt hope.  I felt strength I didn't know I had.  I asked myself how this was possible, and the answer came that my Savior was holding me up, helping me to do something I never thought I could do.  I wish it did not take something this tragic for me to feel of this magical, incredible gift, but I am grateful I know firsthand what the Atonement can do for us.  I am also grateful that because of what Jesus suffered for us, this life is not the end.  We have much to look forward to in the next life.

6. Zach loves me.  Zach has miraculously found ways to let me know that he loves me, and the he is still around.  There have been the tender visits from him.  I have never seen him, but I have definitely felt him: A warmth and love that could only be him.  Then there was the time that I opened an old journal one day, and found a note from Zach that simply said "I love you. ZP."  My mom also found an old email, that I still have, where he told me he had fun visiting me, and that I was 'the best sister.'  Last Christmas, we found an old book of Zach's.  A diary, I believe.  He wrote about me several times, and how he missed me (I was at college), and how excited he was for me to visit.  It reminded me of the special relationship we shared growing up, which was something I needed to remember.

So, even though I do not get to see him, he has taught me more about Heaven, miracles, and the importance of family than I think I could have learned on my own.  I will always be grateful to him for leaving this legacy and gift behind.  He is my angel.  The song I chose today reflects my feelings about where Zach is, and my gratitude to my Savior for making it all possible.

Choosing the Right brings peace

Today has been a special Sunday.  I really wanted to feel the spirit of the Sabbath, and I realized that, to do this, I needed to make different choices than what I have made in the past.  I love to start my Saturdays (and usually Sundays) watching Disney Junior with my girls.  It's our time together.  However, today, instead of doing that,  I turned on church music when they woke up.  I immediately felt this incredibly peaceful spirit come into our home that I have not felt for a while.  I even found time to read a couple of conference talks before the girls woke up this morning, where I am usually just so lazy on Sunday, I actually don't get to scripture study at all on Sundays, of all days!  Because of these simple choices, our whole day has felt different and special.  I felt more engaged in the talks and lessons today.  I even received an answer to a concern I had voiced to my Heavenly Father just this morning.  From these experiences today, I have learned a few important lessons.
1. Often times, when we are feeling stressed or anxious about something, we probably are not doing something right!  Why do I feel this way?  Well, our Sunday mornings are usually very chaotic, and I can't get Brook to do anything because she would rather sit and watch her show.  So we get into fights trying to get her going.  This morning, when I chose to leave the TV off and invite the spirit in, there was no stress, and there was no fighting.
2. When we give time to the Lord, He gives time back to us.  I took the time to study the words of the apostles this morning, and as a result, we were not rushing out the door.  We had plenty of time to get to church, even though I did something I usually don't take the time to do on Sunday mornings.
3. Preparing ourselves for the Sabbath day, and for church, enhances our experience and opens our hearts to the spirit.  Since I actually came to church with some questions today, and was not distracted by the chaos of life, but calm and open to the spirit, I received an almost immediate answer to my question.  I felt like everything taught could be applied to my life somehow, instead of brushing if off, thinking it was not for me.
4. Small and simple things bring forth great blessings.  In making these choices today, I was again reminded of a promise the Lord made to me a few months ago.  I always have Jeff give me a blessing at the beginning of each school year.  The blessing this year was different.  It started out: "This is going to be your hardest year yet."  I'm not going to lie, I immediately panicked.  This is not what I wanted to hear.  Yet, the Lord was preparing me.  He also followed it with counsel: "As long as you are reading your scriptures daily and saying your prayers, you will be able to do what you need to do, and you will get through it."  He asked such a simple thing of me, and in return, promised I would be able to get through this year.  This has been true today and everyday.
5. Another precious thing that occurred was that, when I was open to the spirit, instead of distracted by worldly things, not only did I feel the spirit of the Lord, but I also felt Zach's spirit.  Some of the songs on my church playlist are sweet songs that remind me of him.  When they came on, I was reminded of him and how much I love him.  I think, in a way, he was with me for those few minutes.
I feel so blessed and so grateful to my Heavenly Father for prompting me to do the things I need to do for myself, an for my family.  I also feel grateful that He is aware of me, and that He finds ways everyday to remind me of His presence in my life.  Isn't it interesting that doing what the Lord has asked us to do opens more doors and gives us more opportunities than choosing the opposite?  Isn't it interesting that inviting the spirit helps us to bear, and sometimes, rid ourselves of our anxieties?  Heavenly Father loves us so much, and He will show us everyday if we simply do the small and simple things He has asked of us.  I am so grateful for this knowledge!

Catching glimpses of heaven

     Lately, I have been pondering the experiences I have had where I have been blessed to feel Zach's presence.  Until he died, I don't think I ever really understood what heaven held in store for us.  Since he has passed, I have caught glimpses of heaven.  I suppose one of the blessings of having a loved one on the other side is the sudden knowledge that heaven is real, and that the spirits of those who have passed on do in fact continue to exist.  I feel like I need to share what it feels like.  I have come to realize what a unique feeling and experience it is.
     The first time I felt Zach near me was at the beach this time last year.  I had been feeling really sad because being at the beach was just not the same without him.  I was standing on the shoreline, enjoying the beauty of the setting sun, when suddenly this incredibly warm feeling came over me, almost like a tangible hug.  I felt love, peace, and comfort.  I felt that someone--Zach--was there.  I could have stayed there forever, relishing this feeling.  Just as surely as I knew he was there, I felt when he was gone.
     The next time this happened to me was when I was driving down to St. George back in April.  The song "I Drive Your Truck" by Lee Brice came on the radio.  The first time I had ever heard this song, I immediately thought of Zach and the ways I tried to remember him.  After all, it is about someone losing their brother.  The moment this song came on, I felt this warmth come over me.  Again, it felt like love, and it was so peaceful.  I felt like the sun was warmer and brighter all of a sudden.  It stayed with me throughout the entire song, and I felt like Zach was telling me that this was 'our song.'  As soon as the song ended, the feeling was gone, and I knew he had left.  But it was so special.  The fact that I felt so different from when it started to when it ended told me that he truly had been there.
     Today I was blessed with another sweet experience.  I briefly shared the fact that Zach had died with a friend, and as usual, it brought the sadness I try to keep buried deep down, up to the surface.  As I was driving home, 'our song' (I Drive Your Truck) came on the radio, and I immediately felt comforted and like I was surrounded by Zach's presence.  Then, almost as another tender mercy, immediately after that song ended, Carrie Underwood's "See You Again" came on the radio.  I felt like Zach was trying to tell me that he was with me and reminding me that we will see each other again someday.
     There is such a unique feeling associated with feeling the presence of someone beyond the veil.  I am so grateful that I have been blessed with these experiences and that I can with confidence say that I know heaven is real, and that our loved ones do live on.  This life is not the end.  I am grateful to Zach for continuing to be a presence in my life as well.  I love you buddy!

Looking up

I am going to piggy back off of a talk that was shared in sacrament meeting today.  It was awesome, to say the least.  His focus was on gratitude.  The way he taught it, though, was by focusing on the idea of "looking up."  This hit me so hard because I realized that once again I had been so caught up in my own problems that I had neglected to express my gratitude to my Heavenly Father.  I wanted to sneak out right then and fix this.  What I learned from this talk is that we are always going to struggle with something in our lives, and if we look down, Satan will pull us down further.  He will blind us from the light that is always surrounding us.  But if we can exercise even a little bit of faith by looking up, looking to the Lord, looking to the light, we will be given the power and strength we need to get through anything.  This brother also said, however, that even if we are looking up, Satan will still try to pull us down with fear.  We have to cast out fear and let faith take over.  I came across an article from this month's Ensign that hit this idea perfectly.  This is by Elder Brent H. Nielson, and it is entitled: "Move Forward with Faith."

"The biggest challenge seems to be fear—fear of the future, fear of failure, fear of not knowing who {we} are or what {we} can become. I have learned a very important lesson. In the gospel of Jesus Christ, fear is the opposite of faith. If you have fear, faith diminishes, but if you have faith, fear diminishes."

This is me!  I constantly fear all of these things.  There was a time in my life when it was so easy to have faith.  I literally never doubted that things would work themselves out.  I am now far removed from that person, and it has been quite the battle to find that conviction again.  I keep thinking about this situation where I desperately needed guidance.  I felt like Heavenly Father wanted me to do something big, but it scared me.  Logically, I could not see how it would work out.  I feared what it would mean for the future.  I feared we would in no way be prepared and we would fail.  I just could not see it working out.  Well, I received one very strong witness that I should listen to what Heavenly Father was telling me.  Then Satan started working on me really hard.  He threw everything he could at me to scare me, and it worked for a while.  So Jeff and I fasted together about this, and we both immediately knew the answer.  When the answer came, all of the fear I had been feeling for the past months were immediately replaced by peace and joy and excitement.  However, it did not take Satan long to start messing with me again.  I prayed for strength to rise above this and see the light that is promised us.  I needed to know without a doubt that we were making the right decision.  My third confirmation came a few days later, when I felt filled with that beautiful light and hope.  This time it stayed!  I knew we needed to listen to what Heavenly Father was telling me, so I finally acted on this loving inspiration.  Now I have to exercise faith in His plan for us as we walk forward into the future.

"In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we need have no fear. We need not fear death, because we have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His gift of the Resurrection. We need not fear what man can do to us, because we know that if God is with us and if we have faith in Jesus Christ, we can accomplish whatsoever thing is expedient to His work (seeMoroni 7:33). We need not fear the future, because we know that as we keep the commandments, the Lord will bless us.

Paul teaches, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7). We move forward with faith in God the Father and in His Son, Jesus Christ."

When you read those quotes, don't you just feel like saying "How could I ever fear anything knowing what Heavenly Father has given me and promised me?"  That is how it makes me feel.  We must look up, to the promises and blessing surrounding us.  Life will be hard at times.  It will bring heartbreak and uncertainty.  Burdens will weigh us down at times.  We will probably lose sight of what is important and miss many glorious blessings while we are in that lost state.  However, we need to know that Heavenly Father will never abandon us.  He sacrificed His only begotten Son so that we could have hope in our future, so that we would never truly be alone in this life.  Because of what the Savior did for us, He is able to lift us up and carry us when we need it.  No matter the difficulty we are facing, we will eventually find our way back to the light if we can exercise the faith to look up.  That is what the Atonement is for.  That is why we have the gospel today so that we can have this knowledge, so we MUST use it.