These past few months have been a constant battle of ups and downs. I hope it is ok to bare my soul a little bit here. I have battled depression before, but this time around has been so different. I would go back and forth between feeling peace and happiness, and then feeling so completely sad that I didn't seem to care about anything anymore. I felt darkness. I felt extreme anxiety, guilt, and sadness. Every little mistake I made felt like I had committed some horrible sin. I tried everything I could think of to live my life righteously, knowing that if I kept holding onto that, surely I could receive heavenly help to pull out of this funk. Finally, I realized that I was fighting Satan. I was having a hard time opening my heart during my prayers. I often wondered if they ever made it passed the ceiling. I literally could not feel the spirit anymore. At church, I felt this wall blocking it out, keeping me from feeling the spirit there. When I read the scriptures, I felt guilt, instead of their power. I stopped seeing the blessings I know were surrounding me daily. It was so hard to fight this. So hard. I have never felt this way before.
Finally, I realized what I needed to do. I poured my heart out to Heavenly Father. I told him that I was not strong enough to fight this. I could not carry out my responsibilities as a wife and mother constantly feeling this way. I needed His help to remove this burden from my heart, that I would not feel it anymore. I acknowledged that only Satan could make me feel this way, and I needed Heavenly Father's love and support to rise above. He did answer my prayer almost immediately. I felt at peace for the first time in months. I was able to be happy and see clearly. I was able to enjoy the blessings that were all around me. I had put off re-reading this conference talk by Elder Uchtdorf, "The Hope of God's Light." For some reason, I had felt afraid. But I finally read it when some of this darkness cleared, and I can't help but feel it was meant for me. I am going to include some of it here:
To that end, He sent His Son to this earth to illuminate the way and show us how to safely cross the stumbling blocks placed in our path. He has given us the gospel, which teaches the way of the disciple. It teaches us the things we must know, do, and be to walk in His light, following in the footsteps of His Beloved Son, our Savior."
This talk made me feel like I wasn't alone. Surely there were others out there struggling with this. And the answer to my problem is so simple. Turn to the Savior. He is the true Light of the world. I can't believe I had forgotten it, and how the Savior had carried me so many times before. Why would this time be any different? And as soon as I asked for Him to remove this burden, He took it. He carried it for me. We are so blessed to have the knowledge of the Gospel. I can't imagine facing my trials without this knowledge. I would be lost without it. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for not giving up on me while I struggled to find my way. I am so grateful to my Savior for lifting me when I couldn't stand on my own. I hope that this can help someone else who may feel this way at times too. And of course, here is my token song to go along with my post. Click on the link below: